Twenty-five years after Melody Beattie wrote her groundbreaking book, Codependent No More, and following publication of three other books on codependence (Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps), the author is back again, this time with The New Codependency. This latest work sheds new light on how codependency has changed in the quarter century since Beattie first wrote about the subject. But the book is so much more than that. Infused with her indomitable spirit, sense of belief in the power we have to take care of ourselves, and punctuated by her own inspiring story, The New Codependency stands on its own.
The author says she wrote the book for a number of different audiences. These include:
• People affected by someone else’s alcoholism, addiction, illness, compulsions, hurtful behaviors, including issues of abuse, rage, and anger management
• Those who are the legitimate caretakers of anyone, whether that be a parent, child, or spouse – who also need to remember to take care of themselves
• Men, women, and children who have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused
• What Beattie terms as Double Winners, alcoholics or addicts codependency underneath – and especially those who need to forgive themselves for having the disease (of alcoholism or addiction)
• Children (adult and teenage) of alcoholics, addicts, and parents whose problem affected and still affects them
• People who are codependent on codependents
• “Classic codependents,” who are looking for more peace, power, and information, and are ready for an “upgrade” to Codependent No More
• Finally, for people who turned the idea of codependency recovery into just another set of repressive and fundamentalist rules
With such a broad audience, it could be argued that the scope is too large for a single book. This is not the case, as Beattie delivers on all fronts. First, however, let’s look a bit at Beattie’s background, her life experiences, why she’s qualified to write on the subject of codependency.
Many credit Beattie with coining the word codependent back in 1985-1986 – when she published her first book, Codependent No More. Readers of this latest work will discover in its pages the four decades of learning life lessons that Beattie reveals. These, more than anything else, show that she knows what she’s talking about. Beattie grew up in an alcoholic family, was abused as a child, placed for adoption, abused by a spouse, lost someone to suicide, and had a serious illness. She started drinking at 12, using drugs at 18, robbing drugstores and shooting narcotics at 20, ran out of veins and faced five years in jail by 24. But perhaps the most powerful words leap out on the first page of Section One, “Crossing Lines and Getting Back over Them Again”:
“I know what it’s like to lose yourself so badly that you don’t know if there’s a you or ever was one. I spent thirty years not knowing what boundaries were and another ten learning to set them. I gave until I was depleted and needed someone to take care of me. I threatened, begged, hinted, and manipulated to get what I wanted. I was convinced that I knew what was best for other people. I got so busy teaching them their lessons that I forgot to learn mine.”
Although she’s written four books on the subject of codependency, Beattie says she realizes that’s not enough. This most recent work is intended to clear up confusion, reveal new information, show how codependency has mutated over the years, give various support options, and remind us of the lessons we’ve learned. And, lest anyone think that codependency can just vanish, never to surface again, Beattie tells us that she sometimes will still “step in codependency puddles.” She may get hooked into someone’s stuff, and allow their problems to control her. Then she may over-engage or start reacting instead of taking the right action. That’s when she comes to an abrupt halt, and reminds herself that she needs to take care of herself.
An important concept is that when people sometimes resort to survival mode, it’s not relapse. Beattie says that when we care about someone and feel victimized when they betray us, give everything to those we love, or want to control others because we see them destroying themselves and hurt us – this doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are normal human reactions. According to Beattie, codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far – or crossing lines.
Here are some important points Beattie makes in the book:
• Alcoholism and other addictions are diseases. Codependency is a problem.
• Most recovering addicts and alcoholics have codependency underneath.
• If you’re in the codependent zone, you need to do whatever it takes to get back across the line. The goal of recovering from codependency is looking to and trusting yourself – not doing what someone else tells you to do.
• Excessive and unreasonable guilt is a common codependent trait.
• The biggest codependency issue many of us have is our need to control. Underneath that is fear, and under that is lack of trust.
• Codependency issues either cause us to be among the living dead or drain the life out of us slowly, tortuously. Codependents – like addicts – need to work recovery as though our lives depend on it, because they do.
• Taking care of ourselves can’t be reduced to a list of rules. Don’t’ let anyone tell you it can.
• Boundaries concern our behavior – what we will and will not do. It isn’t a boundary if we can’t enforce it. Expect people to test your boundaries. The more they have to lose, the harder they’ll push. They won’t stop pushing until they know you mean what you say.
• If we’re being manipulated time and time again by the same person or the same thing, we may have crossed into the codependent zone where we’re living in denial, dependency, or not trusting ourselves again. Healthy behavior means taking care of ourselves as soon as we recognized manipulation.
• We may never be happy certain events happened in our lives, but we can be happy again.
Fear, obsession, control, manipulation, denial, guilt, and resistance – Beattie deals with each of these. She also shows us how to make a conscious connection with ourselves and how to “catch and release” feelings so they don’t overwhelm us and drop us into the codependency zone.
There’s also a section on troubleshooting or what to do when we find ourselves in situations where we’re unsure of the right direction or action to take.
Who should read this book? The answer to that is easy: just about everyone. It’s likely that you or someone you know or love is codependent or affected by someone who is. Consider Beattie’s book an owner’s manual, of sorts, helping all of us to learn who we are and giving us tools to overcome unhealthy behaviors and reclaim our lives.
