If you are like most individuals in recovery, going through drug or alcohol rehab was probably one of the most difficult experiences you’ve ever faced. Having made it through the tough part, however, doesn’t quite prepare you for some of the out-of-the-blue situations you’re likely to encounter post-rehab. Like what to do when friends turn on you?

There’s no question you’re in a vulnerable state. After all, you’ve just kicked dependence on alcohol and/or drugs, possibly even a co-occurring disorder that you’re coming to grips with. This ordeal has taken a great amount of courage and determination for you to just get this far. You expected – or, at least hoped – that your friends would stand by you, giving you the support you need. Many probably even promised to do so. The reality is, however, that not everyone is equipped emotionally to follow through on even the most well-meaning of intentions.

Now, what? Here are some tips on how to deal (or not) with turncoat friends.

Consider the Source

How good a friend is the person? Is this a childhood friend, someone you grew up with, went to school with, or work with? Or, is he or she someone you only know casually, through hobbies, sports, other acquaintances? There’s a big difference between a long-term friendship and recently acquired friends. The longer you’ve known someone, the more invested you – and they – are in the relationship. This may help you to decide whether it’s worth pursuing the friend who has, hopefully, only temporarily turned their back on you.

If you determine that this friendship is one worth fighting to maintain, expect a difficult road ahead. Depending on the reason for the friend becoming distant, you may have a number of fences to mend. Have you wronged the individual by stealing money, lying, being unreliable? Have you caused the person great embarrassment or shame? Have you physically and/or emotionally harmed them? The greater the harm you’ve inflicted, the more unlikely the friendship can be mended. You may just need to accept the fact that it’s gone.

Examine your Motives

Why do you need this friendship so much? Do you feel that you are incomplete without contact with this person? Do you feel that you cannot continue in your recovery if you can’t be friends? Why is that? What type of motivation prompts you to feel this way? Is it out of a sense of uncertainty in your own abilities? Is it a feeling of loss, jealousy, or fear?

Friendship, like love, must be given freely and without expectation of something in return. If you are clinging to a romanticized or unrealistic vision of times in the past, this isn’t a basis for a friendship. Things have definitely changed, especially in your life. Have they changed for the other party as well, or are they stuck in the same kind of life (drugs and alcohol) that you’ve just renounced?

Face it. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be in recovery and still hang with friends who use. It just won’t work. You remember that lesson from rehab.

Make Amends

Part of your recovery most likely involves regular attendance and participation in 12-step meetings. Going through the steps, you will sooner or later need to make amends to those whom you’ve wronged. Your sponsor and new friends you meet in these support meetings will help you as you attempt to figure out your best approaches to making amends – but they can’t do it for you. What works for someone else in recovery may not work for you, although their stories and support will prove invaluable to you in your quest.

Recognize that some friends who turn on you may not be amenable to your making amends – no matter what you do. Some you have hurt too badly, while others may just not want any further contact with you for any reason. Remember that making amends should be done only if doing so will not cause harm to others. Don’t just think of your own needs in making amends. You also need to think of how your reappearance in the friend’s life will affect them.

If you cannot see or talk to the friend to make amends, write your intentions down on paper and speak them aloud to yourself. Then, destroy the paper. You’ve set your intentions to make amends without actually causing any further harm to the individual. No, you can’t keep or rekindle the friendship – at least, not at this time – but you can relieve yourself of the burden of not having made the attempt at amends.

Steering Clear of the Wrong Type of Friends

Some former friends are better left alone. They may rail, rant and rave or try to entice you back into the habits you’ve worked so hard to leave behind. It all may sound and appear so glamorous and you may miss the fun, excitement and camaraderie you once experienced with them. But it’s all a false memory. Those times were anything but conducive to a balanced, sober existence. You simply cannot be around these friends any longer. Whether they turn against you – or you decide you have to stay clear of them – the friendships are over. It’s best to wrap your mind around that and move on.

Make New Friends

You certainly aren’t doomed to a friendless existence just because you’re in recovery. In fact, your life has taken on new meaning, and there’s an endless stream of possibilities ahead. Free of the shackles of alcohol and drugs, you’re now able to make plans for the future, things you may never have believed you deserved, let alone strive for.

What do they always say about love? The harder you search for it, the harder it becomes to find it. You could say the same thing about friendship. Instead of being desperate for friends, approach others in a manner of wanting to be of service. Think how you can be of assistance to others. You’ll be amazed at the rewards this will bring.

First of all, you’re thinking outside of your own wants and needs. You are putting the welfare of others ahead of your own. And, guess what? It feels good. By doing things for others – helping Habitat for Humanity build a home in a community, donating time at an assisted living center, shopping for your elderly parent, neighbor, volunteering at your church – you will find that your own troubles and insecurities vanish.

Undoubtedly, working alongside others in a group endeavor will allow you to make new acquaintances. These relationships may very well turn into friendships.

Another way to make new friends is to take up a sport or hobby. Join a group that goes cross-country skiing, goes on wilderness hikes. Learn woodworking or carpentry. You might consider taking a class, or go for (or finish) your degree. There are many possibilities.

Be Yourself

You might wonder how you should present yourself in these new situations. The best advice is to be you. Don’t try to project an outgoing personality if you are, by nature, more reserved. You’re not in a popularity contest, and you don’t need to prove anything.

That doesn’t mean, however, that you can let anything fly. Exercise caution in what and how you say things to others. Be courteous, respectful and maintain proper boundaries. People will let you know by body language and verbally whether they want to reciprocate in a friendship.

The Power of Forgiveness

Suppose you’ve made your amends – on your lists, if nothing else – and still feel the twinge of guilt or sadness over loss of your friends. You’ve changed your life, but you can’t change the past or how others feel about you. Now, it’s time for you to forgive. You need to forgive yourself first, and then others. They may not be able to forgive you, and that’s something you also can’t change. But there’s a tremendous sense of relief when you can unburden yourself of the guilt and/or shame over past deeds.

Trust in your ability to make the right choices going forward. Enlist the support of your sponsors and allies in the 12-step groups. Talk with your counselor or therapist about any concerns.

Give it Time

Here is another concept you’re familiar with by now – taking it one day at a time. Each day that you are in recovery is one more day in the rest of your life of sobriety. You will grow stronger and more confident each day – if you allow yourself to do so. This means that you approach each day with a positive attitude, making short- and long-term goal that you work towards achieving. It can be as simple as learning a new skill or as complex as building a house from the ground up. This also applies to emotional growth. Whereas you may have been closed off emotionally before, now you can make it a point to open yourself up a little more each day.

Don’t think that others won’t notice the changes. They will, and will react accordingly. Openness, trust and trustworthiness, and a profound sense of giving of yourself to others will result in untold rewards – riches of mind, body and spirit you may never have thought possible.

Time unfolds faster than you think. What may seem interminable stretches of loneliness and solitude now will vanish in the blink of an eye once you become involved in making new goals and striving toward accomplishing them. Remember to take it one day at a time. Embrace today for what it can bring, and look forward to tomorrow for even more possibilities.

Will There Be Setbacks?

Realistically, everyone has setbacks. You might not get the job you were aiming for, or financial woes may temporarily derail your plans. Your new-found friends may turn out not to be of your liking. What do you do then? Think of each experience as an opportunity to learn.

Life isn’t perfect. The difference between the individual who is self-fulfilled and happy and one who is disheartened and miserable is often their ability (or inability) to transcend the temporary in pursuit of other worthwhile goals. Attitude also makes a big difference. Thinking positive does engender more favorable outcomes.

So, bottom line – what can you do when friends turn on you?

• Focus on being of service to others, instead of how to please you.

• Be generous of spirit, giving others the benefit of the doubt.

• Forgive yourself and others for any mistakes in the past.

• Make amends, face-to-face, if appropriate, or to yourself if contact would harm the other person.

• Search out new groups in which to make new friends (non-drinking, non-drugs).

• Take up a hobby or sport.

• Volunteer.

• Make a list of short- and long-term goals.

• Detail a process of how to achieve your goals, including learning any new skills or knowledge required.

• Don’t blow things out of proportion – take everything in stride, even temporary setbacks.

• Maintain a positive outlook.

• Take it one day at a time.

• Believe in you.